Being Afraid to Write

This is kind of a pretty tough topic to write about, and it scares me to even type this out. But writing? It's hard. Plenty of authors have discussed how difficult it can be over the years, and even I have felt those same feelings.

Here's the thing, though. Writing is hard, yes, and I think sometimes it can be discouraging when we're our own worst critic. Sometimes for me, it's another thing entirely.

Sometimes I'm afraid to write.

Not because I'm worried about what I'm writing or how it will be received by readers. No, this is something different.

What I'm talking about is when I open up a document, stare at it, and then my heart starts racing. Why is my heart racing? Because the fear has taken hold of me. The blank page, the inability to convey what I want to, the desire to write better than I'm able to... everything races through my brain all at once and I'm scared to begin.

The thing is, I want to write. I want to write and I plan to write and I hype myself up to write. And then, that moment I settle in and have the free time available to actually write? I'm a deer in headlights, terrified of the bright screen in front of my eyes.

What is causing this to happen?

When it comes down to it, honestly I feel it's because I've been dealing with a lot over the last decade. I pushed through most of it, allowing my determination to follow my dreams to carry me through. Then after a few really emotional months, I let my writing fall to the wayside. It stopped being a priority and the longer I went without writing, the more I feared getting back to it.

This rang especially true when I did begin writing the first chapter of a new story. It came out forced and stilted, which is how my writing was back when I started on this journey all those years ago. The last thing a person wants is for their skills to go back to beginner and have to start over again. It's frustrating and can cause a person to want to give up.

I love writing.

I genuinely love to write. My imagination has always run wild ever since I was a precocious little girl, and to be able to finally articulate a story makes me feel so accomplished and proud. I'm proud of myself, of how far I've come, of what I have accomplished.

These fears will probably never leave me. Even if I can manage to push through them even on my worst days, they'll likely remain below the surface waiting for me to doubt myself again. However, I can remind myself that it's only temporary.

It's only temporary.

It'll pass and I'll be able to write. Once I get started, once I let myself start, the words come out in a rush. And the smile it brings to my face is enough to keep the momentum going, to not allow fear to halt my typing fingers.

I don't know if anyone else has found themselves in this kind of predicament, but I can only hope that it comforts you to know you're not a failure and you're not alone. We can both get through these struggles and write.